Goddess of Ice and Blood
by DAMNED-LIKE-BEAUTY
Summary: Morana Hawke, was cracking before, but after Fenris she is broken. Rejection can be one of the hardest things a girl must face, what happens when they don't? I'm not sure if I will keep this as is or expand it R/R please. All Charters listed here in are property of BioWare I claim no ownership of charters used.


A/N:

Morana Hawke, was cracking before, but after Fenris she is broken.  
Rejection can be one of the hardest things a girl must face, what happens when  
they don't? What happens when they let it eat them from the inside out? I'm not sure if I will keep this as is or expand it R/R please.

* * *

I wish I could say that it doesn't matter that it wasn't true, but three years ago he hurt me. I won't say that he destroyed me, though even that is a lie. I lie to all my friends now, they ask, "Are you ok?" or "Are you feeling all right?" or the best of all,"You got cut in a fight here let's fix it." The answers I give are a lie, "Yes I'm fine." Or, "Never better." And "Yes I guess I did." Anders knows my dirty secret, but he won't tell. He loves me, but I could never bring myself to love him. He is not HIM he doesn't have that voice of a razors and blood, he doesn't have shimmering hair of the purest silver, but most of all he doesn't have those wonderful tattoos. I suppose in the end they are both the same really, they both hate with a passion, they are both dedicated to a cause, they both glow, but Anders is not HIM.

I retreat again to my silent corner, it is the same as every week. Varric, Anders, Isabela, Sebastian, and HIM play wicked grace though we all know Isabela cheats. I stopped playing, first it was because I could not stand to sit near him, now it is cause Merrill and I have a ritual, she talks and I listen while wishing I was home. Tonight however is special. Tonight six years ago I lost my sister and three years ago I lost what was left of my heart and because I was so lost in my grief, then not even three months later I lost my Mother. This night is cursed for me. Slowly I stand and get Merrill and myself another drink, this time a stronger one for me. As I come back I find Merrill sitting with them, there is an empty seat next to HIM, but I won't take it.

"Hawke," she says "They want us to play and I knew you would say yes so I got you a seat." Merrill sweet Merrill, so lost in her world she sees no one's pain. Isabela, however knows me all too well. She elbows Varric who slides next to HIM which allows me to sit with my best friends on my sides. Once I sit, I feel Varric touch my knee in a soothing caress as Isabela gives me a one armed hug that says she knows. As I deal the cards, because of Isabela's hand on my shoulder, my sleeve rides up and my wrist is shown in his direction, I feel his growl and pretend I do not. The symbol for pain is cut in the flesh of my wrist, in his language. The night wears on, and in the end I break even, the conversations flow and to anyone looking we would all appear happy and content, only those that knew all of us well would see the knowing glances shared between Varric and Isabela, glances that say there is a plan afoot, or that sad look in Sabastian's eyes whenever he looks my way, another person who might love me, that I could never love back. We all get up to go our separate ways which is early for us, but we have a job to do in the morning and I have no more patience. As I walk out I look back and see Varric snag his arm and pull him to his room while Isabella follows. I shake my head and walk away.

When I reach the estate, it is empty and quiet. This is the other night a week I give everyone off, for good reason too, because after spending that much time close to HIM I have to be alone to vent to scream and to cut then pass out and restlessly dream of my failures. Everything from my magic, to my failure as a sibling, but most of all for my failings that make HIM hate me. I walk up to the wash room and my dog is lying across the door and it is a ritual that I know well.

"You can't stop me you know. If it really bothers you that much then go and get someone, I'm sure Varric and Isabela will rush right here to the sounds of your barking, especially all the way from Lowtown." I step over my dog and into the room. I slide the paper divider into place behind my dog. I sit on the floor and reach under the stand for the wash basin and pull out the dagger. It is curved and pointed, a very unreasonable thing in live combat but here, it is everything I need. I start with the symbol on my wrist, cutting a little bit deeper than usual, this is usually enough, but the more I see it the more I know that it isn't. I pull my robe off and sit there in my smalls. Slowly I cut more and more and the blood flows down my arms, legs, and torso. Suddenly, I feel cold and I hear my dog barking, but I can't stop, the pain is everything, emotional, physical, spiritual whatever you want to call it. It is all that I know and all that I have known for the last three years, being champion is nothing, balancing the templar mage debate is nothing. This is everything.

As I fall over and feel the warmth of my blood under me and the chill around me, I have a thought and reach up and write on the wall.

"You reach into chests and pluck out hearts, here is mine, you had it from the start. FENRIS." And everything goes black

* * *

"She never stopped, Broody, and no matter how you try to ignore it you and I both know that she will never stop it. She has no coping mechanism left! First she loses her father and then her sister less than a year apart and then a year after that her brother, and three years after that her mother. Is it any wonder she cuts she is so numb from shutting out the hurt? That she only knows pain."

"He is right, even you can't deny it now, that symbol on her wrist. I know you know what it means, I don't, but clearly you have a guess or two, and don't say you don't because I saw that snarl on your face when I showed it to you."

"I have healed her before, I wanted to confront her but you know how she is. Personally, I don't know what she sees in you; there are others that would have never just walked out on her like that, especially when she was barely teetering on her sanity."

"Yes, but you never were a part of life on that level either. You've always just waited for her to come to you." Sebastian looked at me with understanding eyes, he knew, for all that he was a brother he was a nice man.

"I hate to say it but you are the only one that she will listen to." As I looked up at everyone seated there I knew they were right, but also wrong. They had no idea what it took to leave her that night, but even I could see that my cowardice had cost more than she had to give.

Suddenly a boy came in through what looked like a solid wall.

"I'm so sorry, master, but Hawke's dog is outside barking." I leapt to my feet without thinking and went to leave right as Anders reached over and handed me a stack of injury kits.

"You will need these." he said.

When I reached her mansion her dog was waiting. I used the hidden key that she told all of us that were not rouges about, and rushed in. Her dog bolted up the stairs as I followed closely. My heart raced as I caught the coppery scent of blood. A smell I had never hoped to smell in this house, now I feared that smell for an all new reason. As I entered her room I did not see her. When I turned her dog barked. I turned to see the rice paper panel had a hole in it where the dog had pushed through. I went over and moved it and stopped, the sight broke my heart. There lay my beloved Hawke, surrounded in her own blood. On the wall were words smeared in blood, at the time I read them I did not fully comprehend what is said but those words haunt me still.

"You reach in chests and pluck out hearts, here is mine, you had it from the start. FENRIS" I rushed to her and lifted her up then placed her in the tub, hastily unwrapping the injury kit. I began to apply it. When I reached her wrist where the arachnidan symbol for pain was scared into her wrist I saw a drop of water there and then another and another. I looked up wondering where the water came from only to notice my vision was blurry.

Suddenly, there were footsteps and Anders walked in. He said nothing and as he took everything in, Justice flickered over his features once and then was gone. He examined her and his magic washed over her body. He looked at me and nodded.

"Her body will heal, but just in case we will all sleep down stairs. If you need us, ask. Talking to her may help bring her around." With that, he left. Grudgingly I admitted that he was not bad for an abomination. I turned to see Isabela and Varric set two buckets of water in the room and leave. Gently I stripped her and washed her. The soapy water turned pink from the blood. As I lifted her and dressed her in a night gown I wondered if there was any way for me to fix the damage that had been done. Deep down I knew that she was stronger than any other mage I had met. She never took a deal from a demon, even when I would have, and she never took her pain out on anyone but herself.

"Morana, I will fix this, that I promise you." As I tucked her in I kissed her cheek and nothing had felt more right.

As I cleaned her washroom of the blood and disposed of her knife, I took a long hard look at the words in blood. In my head I heard Varrics voice say "Fenris, the Heart Breaker" but that would change now I was just Fenris, that Elf who loved a mage named Morana, a goddess of death and cold, but most of all the goddess of my heart.

* * *

A/N:

I should note that the time line is, set at the very beginning of act 3. Please, Review I can not decide if I will keep it as is or not.

Gods all Bless,

DLB


End file.
